Izzy Hedges Bets; Applies for Flood Control Exec Director Job, Too
Yesterday, my weird nephew Izzy informed me that he was applying for the job of Harris County Deputy County Administrator for Infrastructure and Resilience. Nothing I said could deter him. What the kid lacks in common sense, he makes up for with stupidity.
Backup Plan for Deputy County Administrator Job
But this morning, he called again. “Hey, Uncle Bob. Got me a backup plan.”
Maybe I was wrong about him. “Glad you didn’t quit your night job down at the Crystal Pistol, Izzy.”
“My thoughts, presactly,” he said. “Momma done told me, ‘Always get a new job before you quit your old one.'”
“Smart woman, that Yolanda Rae. So what’s your backup plan? Wal-Mart?”
“No Uncle Bob. Executive Director of the Harris County Flood Control District.”
Izzy Has Great Expectations
“Gotta hand it to you, Izzy. You set your sights high!”
“Got to Uncle Bob. One of the dancers down at the Crystal Pistol started flirting with me. She might be the one.”
“THIS time,” I mumbled. Izzy has already been married three times at age 32.
“I’m serious. She makes me want to settle down. I need to find a job that pays more than $8 per hour. And I need more than bar mix and beer nuts for fringe benefits.”
“I didn’t think beer nuts were your main benefit down at the Crystal Pistol.”
Izzy Meets Qualifications For This Job, Too
“Well, you got me there, Uncle Bob. But these dancers…they don’t take you seriously when you show up for a date on your bicycle.”
“What makes you think you’re qualified for this job, Izzy?” I asked as I quickly looked up the requirements for this new job online.
“First off, I only need a bachelor’s degree, which I got.”
“True, but I see many more requirements.
“And I got a driver’s license. That’s another big skill they want. I just ain’t got a car.”
“That’s true, too,” I say. “But it says here, ‘Excellent communication skills needed.'”
Izzy shot back. “You ever had to keep the orders straight for 20 drunks?”
He had me there. “No Izzy, I imagine that takes some skill. And then there’s the experience in ‘end-to-end program design.’ You have that?”
“Yeah, I put together our first chorus line down at the club…in my spare time. Just like the Rockettes. It was so popular, the manager, he laid a $10 bonus on me.”
“But what about this “experience in working with government agency personnel?”
“Hell, who do you think our customers are? We got one back room reserved for City Hall and another for the County crew.”
Izzy Has Answer for Everything
“But Izzy, you’d be responsible for managing more than 350 employees.”
“Simple. Get a time clock to track ’em. If I have to punch one, they can, too.”
“And you’d be responsible for managing hundreds of contractors.”
“I imagine they got plenty of good swag! Frankly, I could use some more coffee mugs. I haven’t washed dishes in two months.”
“Izzy, I don’t think you get it. You’d be responsible for managing $5 billion.”
“That’s the big attraction, Uncle Bob. I really need the money.”
“You don’t get to keep it all for yourself, Izzy. You have to pay it to other people.”
“That sounds un-American to me, Uncle Bob. I’d have to look into that. It just don’t sound right.”
Trying to Recalibrate Izzy’s Expectations
“Izzy, why don’t you look for something more in tune with your assets and abilities?”
“What assets, Uncle Bob?” He had me there.
“Did you ever think of becoming say…a party planner? You’d be good at that.”
“That’s kinda how I see this whole Harris County deal. They got billions of dollars from the Feds, the State and taxes rolling in, Uncle Bob. With that kind of bank, we can keep the party going for years.”
“Or until the next election. Look Izzy, a typical executive search takes 4-8 months. They’re doing this in a month. That should tell you something. Don’t you think they wrote the job specs to fit someone they already have in mind? They’re probably looking for someone who can help them solve political problems more than technical problems.”
“Ya think, Uncle Bob?”
“Why else would they hire someone with only a bachelor’s, but no engineering degree, to supervise hundreds of engineers?”
Uncle Bob
Maybe Izzy has a real shot at this job after all.
Here are the full specs if you would like to apply or read them after Harris County has taken the listing down.
Posted by Bob Rehak on 9/2/2021
1465 Days since Hurricane Harvey
The thoughts expressed in this post represent opinions on matters of public concern and safety. They are protected by the First Amendment of the US Constitution and the Anti-SLAPP Statute of the Great State of Texas.
