From Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous
Kathy Perry Britton, CEO of Perry Homes, a titan of business and devotee of Zig “See You at the Top” Ziglar, has reportedly given up on her dream of building swamp homes in Woodridge Village. She has new ideas to turn mud into money.
Her confidante and hairdresser hints Britton has toyed with several options. The leading one at the moment: Turning the land into a world-class scuba center called “That Sinking Feeling.” She plans to market it to people who are underwater on their homes.
If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Boil ‘Em
“Perry Homes stands for quality,” she supposedly said. “And always will. If the scuba center doesn’t work, there’s no shortage of mud bugs out there. We’ll turn this into the Crawfish Capital of the Gulf Coast.” And then in a comment that reportedly angered crustacean-rights activists, she added, “If you can’t beat ’em, boil ’em!”
The irrepressible, unstoppable Britton reportedly has other backup options, too. “If that doesn’t work, Vince McMahon has approached us about turning this into the WWE Female Mud Wrestling Capital of the World,” Britton’s chambermaid reported. “He has plenty of stars lined up to turn this into a fairy-tale success. Vince has already received letters of intent from Misty Raine, Muddie Waters, and Hurrie Spitball Caine.”
Ms. Britton, paraphrasing Mark Twain, reportedly told her bootlicker, “The rumors of our bankruptcy have been greatly exaggerated. We have plenty of options to make a buck out there if suing the flood victims doesn’t work.”
According to unnamed insiders, Christian Louboutin has also supposedly brainstormed with Britton about brand extensions. Britton is confident there’s a market for stiletto hip-waders in Houston. “It’s a natural in places like Elm Grove. How else would women get to their cars in the rain?”
MoCo Offers Tax Incentives
The rumor mill also says that Wham-O has approached Perry Homes about turning Woodridge Village into the world’s largest Slip ‘N Slide. The irrepressible Britton told her fingernail artist, “Montgomery County even offered us tax breaks, finder’s fees, and margaritas. They’re so accommodating up there.”
In a rare moment of candor, Britton reportedly complained to her lawyer extraordinaire, J. Carey “Promise Them Anything” Gray. “I’m tired of all the mud slinging by these so-called flood victims in Elm Grove. It’s their fault they flooded. They built downstream from us. Duh! What were they thinking?”
“If worse comes to bratwurst,” Britton supposedly bragged to her chauffeur, “Home Depot and Lowes have both expressed interest in building mega repair centers on the property. They have raved to us about the possibilities. Repeat flooding. Hundreds of homes each time. Think about the potential synergies. My God, we could go public on the rumors alone and make a killing.”
The Right to Make a Profit
“I don’t know what these Elm Grove people are complaining about,” Britton reportedly grumbled to her masseuse. “I have to fly to Paris for a good mud bath. They get it for free.”
“These Elm Grove people are so hurtful. Always slinging mud. I have feelings, too. I just wish they could be positive for a change and see the marketing potential in all of this. We have a right to make a profit. This IS Texas after all.”
With that, Britton reportedly hurried off to discuss a separate deal with Monster MudTruck Rodeo organizers.
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882 Days since Hurricane Harvey and 131 since Imelda
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between characters in this post and executives of Perry Homes is strictly coincidental.
The thoughts expressed in this post represent opinions on matters of public concern and safety. They are protected by the First Amendment of the US Constitution and the Anti-SLAPP Statute of the Great State of Texas.